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19 entries this month
great joke10:31 Aug 31 2007
Times Read: 707
I found this on vampfan36's pro & I laughed my ass off so I'm so sharing.
The English Vampire!
3 vampires walk into a pub.
The first one slams his fist down on the bar and says to the bartender "I want a mug of blood, now!"
The bartender shakily gets the vampire the mug of blood.
The second vampire walks up slams his fist down on the bar and says to the bartender "I want a mug of blood"
Again the bartender shakily gets the vampire the mug of blood..
The third vampire walks up and politely asks for a mug of hot water.
The bewildered bartender get the vampire the water.
As the vampire starts to walk away the bartender say to the vampire " I noticed that both your friends ordered blood and you only ordered water, why's that?"
To which the Vampire replies, "Well I was walking down an alley and I found a used tampon, so I thought I would have a cup of tea"
Another Day being Me
07:40 Aug 31 2007
Times Read: 709
In a sense I am disappointed in myself for two different reasons. Dom asked me to help his gf out bc she got attacked by something unseen that left marks on her & put her in ER twice. Me being me I agreed. Well when I asked her permission to scan her energy signature so that i could deviate from its & hers, I had a bad feeling balling up in my stomach. guess i shoulda listened to myself bc i usually never get like that. Upon seperating the energy sigs i have had to take my son to ER plus not to mention what happened with me. I feel that I have failed in protecting my son & i also feel bad bc I said I would help. Dont get me wrong bc i am glad i have backed off from it bc my son dont need this bs. Yet i feel bad not being able to do anything.
I am so worried, UA gots his ultrasound tomorrow & I hope they dont find something else wrong. Its hard enough not being able to be there atm much less there be more for me to worry about.
I hate dilemna but it seems that I have been facing 3 this week. I have made a full decision on one of them, the other two are still in limbo though I maybe sure on another sometime this weekend. or at leat i hope so.
06:38 Aug 29 2007
Times Read: 714
I lay my heart upon the pavement,
watching cars run over it.
I throw away all of my defences,
dying inside always a li'l bit.
I would sell my soul to quiet my regrets,
if that was all it ever took.
Enslave my body & take my breathe,
I am into you with each look.
My heart beats, my blood runs hot,
my soul torn in two.
Darkness shields my light from shining,
everything I feel towards you.
I swear ... I just gotta love Payne lol
05:44 Aug 23 2007
Times Read: 724
She tagged me on UA's pro .. lol ... oh that sneaky sneaky woman ... I gotta love the chase & her friendship. She's something else & I enjoy every time we play on vr, thats a type of friend ya dont get every day thats for sure. I was having a so-so day 2day & that welll that made me laugh ... odd but wtfever, I needed that type of laugh. Glad she's back.
the way i feel in a nutshell09:49 Aug 22 2007
Times Read: 732
ugh VW is a prick...
07:12 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 738
ok All know that he told Tammy he would trade me back to LRN for 2800 favor. Well Fizbop was wrong about paying that much ... Fizzy only paid 2400 favor. I'm not pissed or anything about being in Fizzy's coven again so miscontrue that fact. I actually enjoy it. Anywho what I fucking hate is that VW would be such an asswipe merely because I asked Tammy if everything was pleasant between us not because I was discussing trade behind his back. He just doesn't see the fucking difference ... the damn prick can fucking roast in Heaven's rays of light (sorry but I don't want my eternity in hell to be ... unpleasant (I'm being snarky btw)) To me that shows a flaw in his character ... a big flaw.
06:55 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 739
I'm not feeling fully myself ... the aggravations gone & all ... now I just lay in bed to let my body rest because I am unable to sleep but my body can go no more. I've had a boost in positive emotion even though I am still worried -sigh- mix emotions are a bitch except when they are not conflicting & well mine's not conflicting XD ... yet
06:46 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 740
a break thru ... ah the pain brings rememberance & i can find my safe place ... thank goodness my health isn't up to par XD
I'm a screw-up12:56 Aug 15 2007
Times Read: 747
It seems that no matter what I do anymore I just fuck it up. The more I try to make others happy the more down they just get. The more I try to make myself happy the more lost & emotional I get. UA asked me the other day, "Mandy why do you need drugs?" (he meant weed/pot). I answered as honest as I could, "I don't smoke but every now & then. It slows me down enough to actually think before doing. It also helps me ignore the almost dozen voices in my head from my otherkin sides to make me feel some sanity, that I am not loosing a grip on reality. It keeps my short fuse longer & I don't lash out in anger as much." Am I truthful in these words? Yes i am. Did I get emotional? Yes I did. Why? Because he had no faith in me & that hurt somewhat but I also have to realize that he doesn't fully know me either. At times theres always a sense of feeling hated or mean as fuck, I get them too. I don't get high but yea I every now & then get buzzed because I dont need it when my son is at home & a mom has a right to relax a li'l bit to gather herself.
I've been accussed of ignoring him ... funny that I text him any chance I get & by all means I respect that he doesn't like talking on the phone. i could perhaps msg him more often when I'm online & working but truly idk what it would accomplish because if I'm working I'm not paying much attention to any msg written to me.
I have to find my safe haven, I seem to forget where its at anymore. It has been a long while since I have needed it & by all means do I need it. Before I do something stupid that is. I would ask for help but I don't want to burden those couple of ppl whom know where its located & why should any of them remember how to get there. *sigh* What am I gonna do? And dammit why can't I f'ng cry... I shouldn't hold back any tears especially since no one else can see nor hear me cry, its a perfect time to just let go but no I'm too stubborn & prideful for that... I can't afford to falter when I have came so far. I need my strength & I think it took a vacation ...
What I Hate08:58 Aug 12 2007
Times Read: 760
I hate when I rate a person below a 10 that they throw a tantrum & either rate me what I rated them or rate me a 1. I rate everybody's profile fairly. I do admit that I am biased to a point. If a person has pretty much nothing on their profile but takes the time to make themselves better known through messages then I will rate them on what I know ... they show initiative by allowing others to get to know them. To me this is as good as having a highly informative profile. If the person is of low ranks yet used to have another addy & i know whom it is then I rate them what I gave them on their original pro. I do not rate 10's just because a person is part of the vr Coven or House I am in nor do I expect them to do it either. Personally this is what I rate. 1 is for those who have "ask me" on their pro with nothing else but quizzes or pics. 2 is given to those who place "ask me" & a sentence or two. 5 is for profiles that show work has been done & they have info on themselves or creatively made a story to match them. 8 is given to those who have placed a lot on their profile with minimal quizzes but have yet to organize it properly. 9 is given to those who have done an exceptional job on their profile but have it still under construction. 10 is given when a profile shows hard work, personal info of some sort (even if its only likes & hates & music), and show creativity. I enjoy visiting a pro that cannot be duplicated. Personally if I could I would give a 20 to a highly creative pro.
I just cannot stand being rated by what I rate another. Take this person for example: gothicmotokokusanagi. i rated her when she was a whelp & I gave her a 6 rating. Her profile showed potential but wasn't yet up to par for she had a lot of quizzes & not a lot of info on her pro but it was done in a creative manner. In return she visited my pro & rated me a 6. She didn't even bother to look upon my hardwork nor how informative & creative my pro was ... only that I had rated her a 10.
I have returned to her profile & I gave her a 10. Her pro can use some more work to it but it is completely opposite from what it was. I can see the hardwork she has applied to it & rated it justly as it is now. I am not hoping that she will re-rate me with a 10 but rather I am hoping that this time she rates me on my hardwork, effort, & creativity. My profile is always under construction & that will never change. I am never truly satisfied with it. When I get it back to where I can be momentarily satisfied I shall post when I am done & hope that those who have rated me under 10 can re-view it once again.
For those who rate me below a 9 i do ask for feedback. I do not expect all 10's but I would at least like to have all 9's 7 10's lol. If you read this journal entry & have ideas on how I can better my profile, feel free to message me because I would love to have other peoples opinions & ideas.
woot I'm outta SF & back in SG
05:22 Aug 12 2007
Times Read: 764
I still can't believe VW had my trade cost at 2800. Guess he figured that was a good enough payback & that no one would pay that much for me. So thank goodness for Fizbop *hugs Fizzy* for being dependable. He paid it & now I am in cooven of the Stone Guardians ... again. Kinda sux that Tammy wouldn't pay it but hey i don't overly blame her but Fizbop showed that he was one of his word. When i first lsft Sg for LRN, he told me that he would take me back in regardless of the cost & he did. I am so happy to be away from SF because VW only showed me why I quit talking to him to begin with. Arrogance is a stupid idealism that he fails to see.
*does a happy li'l jig* I am in Stone Guardians & not Sangres Fidelis *sings it over & over*
I am ssooo happy ^.^
I'm not a mind reader
10:05 Aug 09 2007
Times Read: 774
ok I am going to say this just this one time, so if ya don't read my journal you are gonna be screwed.
I am no longer going out of my way to get the story about anything that you or someone you know thinks that I should know about to begin with. If I don't know anything about it then don't come looking for help or sympathy cause I ain't giving it. If you fail to tell me anything about whats going on then quite frankly keep it to your damn self. I am not getting paid to be a private eye nor am I getting paid to be a shrink. I'll help as long as I know what the fuck is going on that is. I don't mind listening to others problems, hell I don't even care if you are a stranger to me, I am here no matter what.
Just fucking telll me about whats going on instead of being so damn vague that its like a fucking riddle. My Sphynx part says that ya need to make riddles that are worth fucking saying dumbasses.
And yes this even goes out to my cyber family & my real life bf and friends. I don't care who you are as long as you understand my point on the matter...
Sometimes I just hate f-ing coven masters
09:36 Aug 09 2007
Times Read: 777
ok This entry is long overdue but hey better late than never I always say.
Fuck Coven Sangres Fidelis atm. I get a message from vampwriter stating that he may permanantly blind me because to him what I asked Tammy meant that I was discussing a trade behind his back. Thats ignorance for ya. Of course I am going to ask Tammy if she would allow me to return to La Rose Noir, considering that my departure wasn't exactly on good terms. Yes we have made ammends and all but still I swallowed my pride & asked, Shit she even asked UA if I was planning on leaving SF to go back to LRN. So please tell me how is this discussing my being traded? It doesn't. Well instead of blinding me yet, VW spoke with TamTam about my trade (thank goodness). However he wants 2800 favor points for me & TamTam said no, of course. Geesh since when was I that much in cost. Now I am stuck in a coven that sucks ass. Every time I turn around theres a new rule being added. Personally the way I see it is like this: you want to have rules galore then become a master over a dam vr house. VW just couldn't cut it into being one & thats why he tries to make his coven like one. I mean really think about it. In SF you can get blinded for not rating all of the members & the only way to get unblinded is to have them all rated *rolls eyes* stupid. Oh and this one, for every public post & coven webpage that you make either a spelling or grammatical error you are blinded a day for each error. Dam people make mistakes, its in our dna dumbass. Since being in SF I now remember why I stopped talking with him on myspace.
Well I messaged him back stating that if possible for him to just contact Fizbop & see if I can be traded to Coven of Stone Guardians again. If not then I am trying out for Coven of Festival of Decay. I really wish I was sire now so I can either join into the coven I want or to just make my own. I am so tired of coven bullshit. I mean most act as if other people don't have lives. If my worth is 2800 in VW's eyes, then why the fuck do I not have a position within the coven. Oh I forgot, all the ones that do, well most, were referred to vr by him. Now thats what I call favortism.
12:35 Aug 08 2007
Times Read: 784
I hate me sometimes. I mean it in the way where you know what you are doing but for some god awful reason ya can't explain it. I have been asked for help in locating great spells that kick a powerful punch, both of them are simple spells, yet I am lost in how to word it. Guess I shoulda taken my advice years ago & attempted to write down my own spells but no I was more content to leave my workings out of my Book Of Shadows. I believe that since I haven't had a need to use either type that I have forgotten certain things when I try to write them down even though if it were me doing the spells I wouldn't have the first bit of trouble doing them. Now I feel drawn to actually ask another for a small amount of help but I know that I don't need to and therefore my pride is holding me back from asking. Either way I feel like an idiot. I mean I shouldn't be too prideful to ask for help but I also don't want to feel disappointed in myself. I probably don't make any sense at the moment but hey thats me ... lady confusion XD
Lost In Translation
08:23 Aug 04 2007
Times Read: 789
I often wonder how that should be taken lol ... anywho ...
I have found myself at a crossroads, not a major one but still its one. Depending on how VW answers my questions will depend whether or not I stay in coven Sangres Fidelis or request to be traded to no other than LRN again.
As for mine & Tammy's dispute before my leaving, we've made ammends & thensome. atyourwindow has blocked me for no apparent reason than to make me seem like the bad guy when I am not. I answer honestly to anything I am asked & I will use the truth to prove I am right. If he can't handle what he says then he shouldn't say them at all. I believe his true intentions on blocking me is because he doesn't want me to jump down his throat for what he said that I said which I never said to begin with. Geesh I said everything I had to say to Tammy and I sure as hell wouldn't hide the fact if I was saying those things. Ohdwells ... shit happens.
I am going to have a great day today with my mom, son & cousin Tabs. I think I need to get away from it all for a bit. I know that UA will be wondering why I haven't called him any today buut I'm sure that he'll understand it when I explain. And if not, well then he'll get over it cause my son comes first ... always.
A guy on here gave me his phone number last night & it was the first time we had encountered one another on this site or anywhere for that matter. I tend to not call people that I don't even know their names so he was out of luck on that one.
Is it me or am I just starting to be a cocky bitch more than usual? Eh probably its my being so forthrite & thats not typical me I suppose. *crack* I think I've broken out of my shell more lol. And no I haven't regained my sanity ... thank goodness.
When It All comes Out
09:56 Aug 03 2007
Times Read: 792
Miscommunication ... isn't it a bitch. I mean you go thru so many fights, bickering, and what-not ... just to find out it was over nothing. Yet someone always has to say something to them is deductively reasoned to say whilst the other one feels like they were being really mean & spiteful. A wise man once sated that words often cut like a knife & then you have to live with the piece it took away. Meaning that every emotional wound is merely a part of your heart that you have lost. For most of my life I have believed that these words rang truth in them, so I never allowed myself to get that close to another. Now I look back & I can calculate every time a piece was cut from me. Not too shabby for one who use to believe that emotions were a mere weakness, a human flaw. Eh what do I know right. lol
Ok I have majorly digressed. I can only say that I am glad things worked out for the best & that things have been made right again. Its better to forgive than to forget ... yet forgiveness at times seem too far, therefore only a wise person states the obvious, its merely an illusion to make you quit.
My Reality is ...
11:57 Aug 02 2007
Times Read: 797
Some people look at my protection sigs on my pro from other members & think they are only cyber-protectors. Honestly most of them are.
However, I have guardians & protectors in real life as well. I have those that will guard my honour no matter the cost. Those willing to die for me if need be. I have never mentioned them before in my journal nor do I openly talk about them. Its on a need to know basis & only I and them need to know.
I am an alpha female in a pack & the only catkin surrounded by wolves but those wolves would rip a persons throat out for merely looking at me wrong. These are not my only wolf protectors either, I have 4 more that are not of a pack that guard & protect.
There are also 3 dragons, at least.
6 demons and they list gets longer.
2 cats that have made themselves known to me.
I have a swoon of witches, wizards, mages, sorcerors, & sorcerresses.
2 gargoyles & legion of elves.
Not to mention the vampyres not only of my real life vampyre House but there are others that are in other Houses as well.
Understand that only a handful reside on vr ... but all watch my back & guard me from dumbasses whom think I have none.
I shoulda just went & curled up alone...
09:05 Aug 02 2007
Times Read: 799
Why can't a day go by that I don't annoy somebody? I make some people happy & meanwhile I make others mad or upset at me. I know I'm imperfect & that I have flaws. i also know that I can't always say things right but at least I try. At least I think I try. May be my best isn't good enough or maybe I am just too stupid at times to relieze what I have done.
Most of my life I have spent hurting those who love me & care about me. I used to push people away so that I didn't get hurt.
I changed, I'm not that person anymore. Yet I still seem to hurt those I care deeply for or perhaps I'm just a failure at it. I don't know anymore, I only know that the pain I feel at those moments are real & they hurt so fucking bad. I'm not use to coping with it. I'll admit I'm way over my head & am too stubborn & strong-willed to ask for help. I'm drowning myself in a sense yet I haven't given up.
Geesh I feel like every time I am forcing myself to feel this high of emotional pains. I hate my empathy, I hate feeling others emotions, I even hate knowing things about them without never being told of them. I get tired of feeling like someone else because I feel everything another feels & everything that happens to them ... its like its happening to me. I am so lost ... I'm weary because I can't sleep, I'm tired because my body refuses to rest, I'm broken & I don't even know how, I'm confused, alone, and sadly I got my wish, I'm feeling my very own fear not somebody else's. Fear .. I don't know how to even begin to handle that.
Maybe I am merely over thinking all of this. Or maybe I am over looking something. idk ... All I know is this is my struggle on the inside & I've always handled it before by myself, so I don't expect any help now.
I'm willing to bet I just either pissed someone off & got them upset at me for this entry. *sigh*
08:28 Aug 01 2007
Times Read: 807
Today felt kinda wierd but then again I haven't exactly been myself either. I feel weary towards a few things but then again it could also be the msg I got from a dear friend the other day or that I am low in my B12 therefore I'm merely dillusional due to the inability to sleep worth a shit.
Speaking of which ... I am off to sleep hopefully wonderfully since I gave myself a B12 shot earlier. I may not be online tomorrow night but then again I never truly know this far in advance.
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